So I came to the realisation today that not only have I been absent from my writing, but I completely bypassed this blog's first birthday. I could use this opportunity to write bitter sweet sentiments about how much I've changed in the last year. Or I could talk about how much I love to write and how much university has inspired me in that area. Or I could simply do what I usually do, talk about my current life situation as I try to make sense of it all.
To put it bluntly, these past two weeks have been complete and utter shit. If you were to ask me what I struggled with I would say "getting out of bed each morning". I was a living and breathing ghost of myself. Every movement was hard, having the energy to stumble out of bed and not fall flat on my face was hard. It was two weeks worth of those days where all you want to do is curl up under your blanket with the light turned off and forget about the world. I had two assignments due over these last two weeks and part of me really didn't give a shit if I did them or not. The only thing that motivated me to do them was that I dreaded the idea of failing and having to repeat the unit next year. It's very unusual that I have such a bad time, and for such an extended period. I'm not normally a highly depressive person, but lately things have been out of my control.
I'm not used to not having any control over my emotions or my physical body. I wanted to be able to crawl out from under my blanket, leave my room, put clothes on and act like a human. I wanted to be able to eat, but my body wasn't hungry, still isn't. I must have cut back on my food intake by about 50%. There were times when I wanted to stuff my face, but I just couldn't. I wanted to live normally. I would try, but then I would collapse back onto the bed because it was all just too damn hard. Being alive and existing was just to damn hard.
I don't know what I'm meant to learn from this because I'm still struggling. I still feel rather helpless as I deal with everything in my world, but it's getting better. I'm learning to deal with my helplessness. I can cope better, but I'm on a continual learning curve. I'm on a journey that I've only just begun, and I'm beginning to realise that the end wasn't as close to the beginning as I first thought. At first I wanted to do it alone, it somehow made more sense in all this madness. But that was silly. I don't like having to depend heavily on people, but having someone to hold my hand when I need it is nice. I don't really have a resolution except to say, watch this space.
Until next time fellow humans....
