1) I loved you, I really did. I would have done anything for you if you'd asked me. But you never did. I thought you were perfect, and three years on and I still can't find any faults in you. I hope you're happy, I hope you found someone to make you happy. Because you made me so indescribably happy.
2) I hope you're happy with the decisions that you've made and the people you've pushed away. After everything we went through, I thought you knew me better than all of that. Obviously not. You hurt me a lot, but I don't hate you. I don't trust you and I want nothing to do with you, but I don't hate you.
3) You are quite possibly one of the greatest human beings that I have ever known. Ever since I first laid eyes on you I knew you were different. And I was right. There's something about you that draws me to you, you're magnetic. You make me lose my breath whenever you're around. And I listen to everything you say, but then I realise I'm not paying attention because I'm too busy trying not to smile.
4) When I first met you I never would have expected that we would end up where we are. You are not what I expected, but you're amazing all the same. If someone had asked me to describe my ideal person, you would not have been even close to it. But there is something happening, and I like it. Part of me wants to pursue it, but part of me is scared. But I think you're worth it.
5) Our friendship has changed over the years, and that makes me sad. But I'm not mad at you, and I don't despise you. You were there for me during some incredibly crucial years, you held me together. If I hadn't had you, I don't know where I would have been. I will be forever grateful for everything you've done for me. You saved my life.
6) I miss you, and I hate some of the decisions you've made. It sounds crazy and selfish but I've always felt like we had a special bond. Whenever I felt stupid or like the world was against me, you never were. We've always just understood each other and I hate that you leaving will change that. I feel like you're abandoning me, I know you're not, but I can't help but think that.
7) I can't stop hurting from what you did, not just to me but to everyone. I know you think it was justified, but I think you've got rocks in your head. You were always there for me, always. And then you just left. Did you think I wouldn't care? Did you think I wouldn't miss you like crazy? I look back on everything I have of you and I get so mad and so hurt, so I can't do it any more. I prayed every night for two years that you would realise your mistake, but you never did.
8) You were always the one who clung desperately to our friendship and demanded we remain in contact. Don't get me wrong, I love you dearly and I wanted the same thing, but you were so forceful. But then you met others and seemed to forget. I'm glad you're happy, and I'm not mad. I just find it strange how easily you moved on from us.
9) Don't cling to me! I hate it when people cling to me and don't give me space. I love you and I want to spend time with you. But if you continue to cling to me I'm just going to push you away.
10) Thanks for your lack of support and back up when I needed it the most. It's nice to know that you can happily change your stance when I'm not around.
Until next time fellow humans....
So I came to the realisation today that not only have I been absent from my writing, but I completely bypassed this blog's first birthday. I could use this opportunity to write bitter sweet sentiments about how much I've changed in the last year. Or I could talk about how much I love to write and how much university has inspired me in that area. Or I could simply do what I usually do, talk about my current life situation as I try to make sense of it all.
To put it bluntly, these past two weeks have been complete and utter shit. If you were to ask me what I struggled with I would say "getting out of bed each morning". I was a living and breathing ghost of myself. Every movement was hard, having the energy to stumble out of bed and not fall flat on my face was hard. It was two weeks worth of those days where all you want to do is curl up under your blanket with the light turned off and forget about the world. I had two assignments due over these last two weeks and part of me really didn't give a shit if I did them or not. The only thing that motivated me to do them was that I dreaded the idea of failing and having to repeat the unit next year. It's very unusual that I have such a bad time, and for such an extended period. I'm not normally a highly depressive person, but lately things have been out of my control.
I'm not used to not having any control over my emotions or my physical body. I wanted to be able to crawl out from under my blanket, leave my room, put clothes on and act like a human. I wanted to be able to eat, but my body wasn't hungry, still isn't. I must have cut back on my food intake by about 50%. There were times when I wanted to stuff my face, but I just couldn't. I wanted to live normally. I would try, but then I would collapse back onto the bed because it was all just too damn hard. Being alive and existing was just to damn hard.
I don't know what I'm meant to learn from this because I'm still struggling. I still feel rather helpless as I deal with everything in my world, but it's getting better. I'm learning to deal with my helplessness. I can cope better, but I'm on a continual learning curve. I'm on a journey that I've only just begun, and I'm beginning to realise that the end wasn't as close to the beginning as I first thought. At first I wanted to do it alone, it somehow made more sense in all this madness. But that was silly. I don't like having to depend heavily on people, but having someone to hold my hand when I need it is nice. I don't really have a resolution except to say, watch this space.
Until next time fellow humans....
