Why can't it ever be enough for people? In my last few posts, I've crapped on about how fantastic my life is and why I'm so happy, and I'm still on a high. But it's funny, because sometimes life is never good enough for people and frankly, it pisses me off. If you asked me to list the reasons that I love my life right now, they would be rather generic in a sense. So I would say; my home life is happy, I have some great friends at uni who I'm getting to know better, I'm getting good marks for all my uni subjects, I'm healthy, I've been working so I actually have money for a change; so life is good. And why can't that ever be enough for people? In my small group each fortnight, we have to give a summary of our two weeks (best thing that happened, bad thing etc.), and the last few times I've found myself saying "Well nothing really fantastic or life altering has happened, but nothing bad has happened either, so that's my good thing." And a lot of the time, I think that should be enough. The fact that nothing bad is happening, you're healthy and alive should be enough.
I hate it when people say to me "Oh, your life isn't THAT bad at least you don't have cancer or live in a third world country etc.....", because regardless of whatever the hell is going on in the world around me, it isn't going to make a fucking difference to me if I've had a bad day. If you had a bad day, then you had a bad day, regardless of the starving children or wars or natural disasters. But it is true.
I've recently discovered that people tend to dictate the happiness meter of their lives by singular events, as opposed to their collective happiness and well-being. People judge how happy they are by whether that certain boy likes them or that one assignment's results or whether everything is going their way. Well I hate to break it to you, life doesn't work that way. If you let one small thing dictate your entire mood and day, then you need a cold hard wake-up call sweetie. On Wednesday, I got an assignment back that I was hoping to do incredibly well in, and I didn't do as well as I hoped. But I still did very well actually, a lot better than some people. So I was mildly depressed for a few minutes or so, but then I realised how bloody fantastic the rest of my life is. How is is that one tiny event can uproot my whole day? If I was to make a list of the good and bad in my life, the good would come out on top. People expect so much out of life, and are always complaining, it really is frustrating.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to bring you down to their level. So if they've had a bad day and are in a miserable mood, they want you to be in a miserable mood too. Well I'm sorry, but that's not how it works. I have no problem with listening to my friend's problems and issues, but if they've had a bad day, they don't need to make me feel like shit as well. In a similar way, why make people feel guilty for being happy just because you're not? It makes no sense to me, and frankly, it pisses me off.
People need to learn to be content with what they have and grow up. I feel like saying "drink a cup of concrete and harden the fuck up" ;-)

It's rather amazing the things that people are made up of, physically and emotionally. I get annoyed when people are constantly spouting "I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for that trial or that experience or that death etc......", and I know that in its essence it is true, but people continually rant about the past making them stronger and all that jazz. And I believe that, I've screwed up and then learnt from it, but by no means am I happy about some of the things in my past. I have a blessed life, my upbringing was rather fantastic. I come from a good home, have a supportive and loving family and I went to a good school, but my life has on occasion sucked beyond belief.
There are moments and experiences that I've had or gone through that have fucking sucked. I'm not happy they happened, not at all. Would I rather have not had to deal with death or sadness or depression or self harm? By all means yes! But at the same time, scars from the past can be good things. Scars can stop us from making those same mistakes, no matter the size. I scar easily so I have quite a few that I can look at for various memories. They come from across the years and for all sorts of reasons; blisters, accidents as a child, operations, my own clumsiness and even self inflicted. Some of them I'd rather not have, but that doesn't change the fact that I have them. And I can't erase them, no matter how much I harp on here. So I suck it up and move on with my life.
In a similar way, there are people from my past that I'm rather glad I'll never see again, as horrible as that sounds. Society likes to convince us that social networking sites are fantastic for reconnecting with people from our past, and they are, but I hate having to add someone who I never spoke to, and probably never will. Upon graduation I had a myriad of friend requests from people that I'd never spoken to in my life, so needless to say that I declined them all. And in a similar way, just because you know my friend, doesn't mean that we're friends or that I even like you. Facebook is for friends, end of discussion. I take great pleasure in regular clean-outs of my Facebook friends, erasing those I've never spoken to. I like my current friends, and there's a reason that they're still in my life.
This post ended up about 60 kilometres north of where I anticipated, so if you got lost, you should've bought a map cheap ass. =]

Until next time fellow humans....


This is such a beautiful image

A video of me just because I can (:



Until next time fellow humans....


Harvey Milk I love you

What do you do when everything changes but you don't miss the past? I feel like I'm living a whole new life this year, nothing has stayed the same as I transitioned from high school student to university adult. I lived in a delusional fantasy world last year as I anticipated this year's changes, thinking that I would remain in constant communication with everybody from school (whether it be through the internet or face-to-face). But I really was living in a state of delusion. Who was I kidding? There were people at school that I barely spoke to (or even liked for that matter) while I was there, so what made me think that I would keep in contact with them? And a lot of those that I did talk to, I've realised I only had superficial relationships with. There was nothing sustaining there that would guarantee that we would remain in close contact. Now I want to make something clear here, there are quite a few people from high school that I really do in fact miss. These individuals are rather special to me and I wish I got to see them way more often, and I'm not going to name them here because they should know who they are. But know that I love them.
Part of me feels guilty because of how easily I've slipped into my "new" life. Sure, the first week of university was difficult, but that was it. Everything in my life fits like a glove. I go to uni, I go to church, I work, I have coffee and dinner and attend small group. It's not always reliable, it's not like I adhere to a tight schedule. Sometimes I oversleep and have to get completely dressed in 15 minutes. Sometimes I stay after class and talk too long and end up missing my bus. Sometimes I don't get to sleep until after midnight and I have to be awake for work at 4am the next morning. But I'm happy. And I wish I missed school more, I really do. I wish I could get emotional and have get-togethers every week. But I can't. And sometimes I wish I wanted to. But I don't, and I can't forge emotions or wants that don't exist. But I am sorry.

Until next time fellow humans....

Have you ever thought to yourself, "shit, my subconscious must REALLY hate me!"? I have thought that on multiple occasions over the last 6 months or so. Have you ever had a dream that was seemingly normal until you wake up and realise that you were making out with your best friend's uncle (that was just an example, I don't know my best friend's uncle and I swear that's never happened haha). But I think you get what I'm trying to say. I had a dream once, towards the end of last year, where there was an incident that involved someone I know. Now this person I would probably call a friend, but we are certainly not close by any means. So to have this dream about them seemed perfectly normal at the time (but trust me when I say in reality it is TOTALLY unacceptable), but as I lay in bed and thought about the dream I'd just had, I was quite horrified to say the least.
Then last night, I had another dream that involved some people I attend university with. These people ranged from those whom I would refer to as my close friends, to those I talk to in class or on the bus, to those I smile at in passing and then those whom I have a class with but couldn't tell you their name. So in this dream, a lot of shit happened that I don't remember, or can only vaguely recall, but I do remember it was rather bizarre. There was a person in this dream (whom I know in real life) that I was flirting with and interested in dating. And the more that I think back to the dream, the more that I'm inclined to think that I knew it was them, but their physical form and such was rather fuzzy and unclear. But then as the dream reached the final scenes and I walked away with my lover, their form became clear, and whilst I'd thought it was a certain person (whom I was interested in), it was their personality (sort of) in the body of someone else (whom I had classes with but didn't know).
So I was really pissed off at myself for the majority of today for what had happened in my dream. How could I have seemingly dreamt about one person whom I'm rather fond of, and then realised it was actually someone completely different who I don't particularly like. Does my subconscious actually despise me? But then I saw this person today and of course couldn't help but think back to my dream, but I saw them differently. They were no longer the weird slightly freaky individual that I had always thought of them as. They looked completely different. Overnight they had morphed and it scared me to say the least. Was it one of those "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" moments? Because they were becoming rather "beautiful". If someone had questioned me on them last week I would have laughed at them for their bad taste. But now I'm confused.
So can our subconsciousness open our eyes to what we really want? Was I blinded by my own irrational judgements? Did I already have these opinions but was just too stubborn to acknowledge them? Needless to say, my subconscious and I have an interesting relationship.

Until next time fellow humans....

I love my life, I'm happy to report. And for a myriad of reasons. You know when people ask you; "tell us something good about your day/week/fortnight" and you can't say anything except "well, nothing bad happened". That's my life, and it's bloody fantastic. I'm still hopelessly in love with university. As much as I hate assignments and early mornings and public transport, I actually really do love those things.
My course is assignment based, which means no exams, but it also means a shitload of assignments. At the moment I have 8 assignments left to do, over the next 3 weeks. But I don't mind them so much, partly because I'm passing all my classes, and also just because it brings people together when you can mutually bitch over the harshness of a tutor's marking or the last minute changes made. I had a fabulous time yesterday when I received an assignment back. I had completely convinced myself that I had failed this assignment, and trust me when I say that I was so convinced that I was planning my timetable for next year around the fact that I would have to retake this unit. So it was the shock of a lifetime when I got handed my paper with a 'High Credit' written across the front. I then preceded to exclaim many words that I can't repeat here due to my shock and sat there in a dumbfounded silence just staring at my paper blankly. I did not think I'd answered the questions of the assignment, partly cause I have no bloody idea what the subject is actually about. It was then really affirming as I met with my tutor and told him my shock at this mark and he gave me some fantastic advice and compliments. As well as the myriad of notes and comments he'd left for me in my paper, all of which are incredibly helpful criticism, he also sat with me and just discussed it and reaffirmed my ability as a writer. This event was preceded in the afternoon by a debate in which I received another high credit, which was another wonderful shock.

Early mornings are a bitch. But they are made better by truly lovely people. Starting uni at 9am would kill me normally, but I generally adore it. There is something breathtaking in being awake at that hour, the air is crisp and fresh and birds actually are singing (as lame as that sounds). I then go to two lectures that I thoroughly enjoy (though both for different but equally as valid reasons), with my raspberry friand and hot chocolate in hand. It's a lovely feeling when you slowly come to realise that you are actually making new friends each day, and you no longer have to sit by yourself when your only friend is in class. Meeting new people is wonderful, and it can be even better when you finally get to meet and converse with a boy that has caught your eye since the very first day.

Public transport is a pain in the ass, especially when you miss your bus and then subsequently miss your train. But this blow is softened considerably when you have friends to talk to; the trusted design friend who made you a support sign when you did your class debate, the two girls you have several classes with but have only spoken to once and the boy that caught your eye. It is moments like this, when it's nearing 6 o'clock, you're waiting for your bus, the air is slowly getting colder and all you have is a cardigan where you realise how great your life is. Because you're not alone, you're laughing and you're huddled together and you realise that these are your days. These are our glory days.

Professional sportsman and women often talk about their careers and their glory days of the past. What I've come to realise is that I'm living mine, right now. Those freezing nights at the bus stop, those breathless dashes for the train, the anxiety over assignment marks and the regular table at the coffee shop make it all worthwhile. I'm not waiting for life to happen or for anything spectacular, because it's happening around me. I get to study at university towards a career I really want. I get to learn under some of Australia's top media figures (from film, T.V., journalism, writing, advertising). I get to spend my evenings waiting for the bus with people I like. I have the best life. I wouldn't change any aspect of my life. I get to go on crazy adventures to the various UWS campuses. I'm undertaking the journey of getting to know new people, discovering favourite colours and weird habits and hidden talents. It's right here and it's right now. No where else and no other time.

Until next time fellow humans....

P.S. 100th post. :)

eleanor, a 20 year old Australian. I'm introverted, socially awkward, a bit of a wallflower and prefer the company of books. I write and live in a fantasy land. I believe in love in all its forms. Harry Potter changed my life. My patronus is a unicorn.

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