Now those of you that know me, know that I have a relationship with that Jesus guy. But something that you may not know, is that I passionately hate the "Christian" label. I'm not embarrassed of my faith, and I'm quite open about it, but I feel embarrassed calling myself a Christian because of the stigma attached to that word. There are many people and denominations out there who call themselves "Christian" but are full of hate and lies and discrimination, there is no love there. I've never been able to comprehend how churches that banish members or separate them temporarily as punishment could have the nerve to associate themselves with Jesus. And there are plenty of churches and denominations who still do that. Jesus was love, simple as that. Jesus dined with tax collectors and prostitutes and people with various ailments. So if you transport that into today's society, Jesus would be hanging out with drug users and prostitutes and AIDS patients. And I don't understand how banishing people "for their own good" or "the good of the rest of the church" is showing the love that Jesus was full of. When someone has screwed up, that's when they need love the most, churches are not for people who are constantly perfect and have their life on track, because those people don't exist. I love this quote from Saved;
"So everything that doesn’t fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants, you just try to hide or fix or get rid of? It’s just all too much to live up to. No one fits in 100% of the time."
So I hate being associated with those sort of people through that shared label. Don't get me wrong, not all of my friends are as open minded or tolerating as me, and they're still my friends, but there is a stigma there that irks me. I passionately hate it when "Christians" are convinced that every "Christian" believes exactly what they believe and that their opinion is the only one. The world is black and white, but there are a lot of shades of gray. I hate being drawn into that generalisation of "every 'Christian' is against homosexuality, every 'Christian' hates alcohol" blah blah blah. I'm not every "Christian". I have my own set of beliefs and I am capable of thinking for myself. My beliefs are influenced and shaped by my relationship with Jesus and also by the people and environments in my life. Just because you believe one thing, doesn't mean because we're "Christian buddies" that I believe it too. In reality, I probably think you're a narrow-minded tosser. I could never belong to such a discriminatory label, Jesus is love. So that's what I try to do, I try to love. Sometimes I suck at it, sometimes you may think I love the wrong people or I don't love enough. But I know what I believe, and I know why I believe it. I don't walk blindly, I backup my arguments, I research and I discuss. I am not a "new-age hippie Christian without morals". I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and I don't care if I don't fit into your denomination or box. Because I'm not living for you.

PS. I firmly believe that every Jesus believer should see the film Saved. It might be a bit of a wake up call for you... (I'll post an image from it below)

Until next time fellow humans....

The lily means, "I dare you to love me". If you can tell me where that line comes from without having to google it or use imdb or anything else, I will pretty much be your best friend. And I do, I dare you to love me. Because right now I feel rather unlovable. I'm not acting 'emo' or depressed, I'm just recognising that I realise that some of my choices are going to make me mighty unpopular with people. People who I care about. So you've said that you'll stick by me through everything and stand by my side no matter what, but do you actually mean it? You've never had to prove yourself on this level before, and I don't want to doubt you, but I can't help it. Please still love me. Please.

Until next time fellow humans....

"Who am I?" is a question that I've been heavily dealing with quite a lot lately. I am a lover, a fighter, a sister, a daughter blah blah blah blah. Who am I really? Am I a student of communication, a child of the Lord, a 19 year old, a closet romantic? Sure, if I want to be a cliche. Those things aren't who I am, they make up a part of me. Who am I? Behind all of the cloaks and smoke screens, who am I when no one else is around? When it's late at night and I'm lying in bed listening to music, alone with my thoughts, what do I think about, who am I then? When I go back to high school to visit friends, am I the same person as I am everyday at university? Do I define my life by who I'm with, or who I wish I was with? Am I defined by my mistakes (oh I hope not)? Am I defined by those I associate with, or by who I choose not to associate with? Am I defined by my race, my religion or my sexuality? What constitutes me? Buggered if I know...I'm still trying to figure it out. But I think, as I think about the possible answers to the questions that I'm asking myself, I've inadvertently answered my own questions. It's like when you flip a coin to make a decision. In that split second that it's in the air, you secretly hope what the answer will be, you suddenly know what you're hoping for. So wish me luck as I try and find myself. It's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride, and who knows where I'll end up. But you wanna know a secret? I think I know what I want the answer to be...

Until next time fellow humans....

At uni a few weeks ago, in Writing as Communication, we spent the tutorial discussing avatars. And by avatar, I don't mean the shitty film, I mean a representation and projection of ourselves. This topic led to a peculiar discussion and my mortification, but that's a story for another time. But this idea has gotten me thinking about how we represent and project ourselves. Sometimes, we put so much energy into not being something and we desperately try to be something else, something that we're simply not. And other times, we try so hard not to be what we are, for whatever reasons we may have. So do we project the real us with our avatar, or do we show what we want people to see? Maybe we only show part of us, and keep ourselves on a strictly surface level basis with people. Or maybe some people see us beneath the surface, and think they know us completely, but no one has actually ever seen everything that makes up you. Sometimes, we pretend to be something so long, that we actually become it, whether we like it or not. There is more to you than what others see, but who gets to see it all? When will your avatar show a true image of everything about you? Who knows.

Until next time fellow humans....

When things are left unspoken, and are just left to swirl around in your own brain, it's easy to push them to the side and refuse to acknowledge their existence. You can live life as normal, putting on a facade that can fool even your closest friends, because nobody would ever assume that about you. It's safe in there, because no one can prove anything, you're able to co-exist in two worlds rather happily. But at the same time, it's lonely in that bubble you've created. But is it really worth inviting someone else in, when you don't know how they'd react? Situations like this can either go two ways, they'll either say;
1) "Shit, I don't know what to say. I don't know if I agree with you...."
or
2) "Shit, really? Oh ok, that's cool."

Obviously number 2 is the preferable response. And then, once you let someone in, they pleasantly surprise you. And even if you didn't want to assume the worst about a loved one, sometimes you can't help it. It's better to assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised, then assume the best and get kicked in the face. So do you hide or do you venture out of your bubble? I'm not sure, only time will tell I suppose.

PS. You know who you are, I love you for not kicking me in the face last night :)

Until next time fellow humans....

Maybe I never really fell for you, maybe it was a momentary stumble. Maybe I'm kidding myself, maybe you're not perfect. Maybe your smile doesn't light up whatever it is that surrounds you. Maybe your hair isn't so incredibly amazing. Maybe your eyes don't make me want to faint. Maybe you're not that fantastic, it may just be all in my mind. Or maybe it's not. Maybe you are the most breath-taking human being I've ever laid my eyes on. Maybe your voice makes my heart do star jumps. Maybe I'm just in denial, for a change. Because, you make this crazy messed up place seem like the world won't end next week. But I'm just another love-sick idiotic adolescent with no real concept of the word love in a romantic sense, so the above statements are most probably redundant.
On a side note, I'm on my mid-semester uni break now, which I'm pissed about. I love uni. So freaking much. I'm gonna miss not sitting in the cafe every free second of my days. The cafe staff know my regular seat in the cafe, and today my table got taken by someone else. The cafe staff couldn't find me, and I got told I was sitting in the wrong spot. I love having a usual table in my usual cafe.

Until next time fellow humans....


=S

What do you do when something feels so right but you know it's wrong? How are you meant to act when for the first time everything makes sense, but not in any of the ways you expected. They say that we're drawn to people for a reason, but what if they're not the right kind of people. How can something that feels so right and normal be wrong? Sometimes I hate being left alone with my thoughts, sometimes all I do is go in a continual circle of confusion and the more circles I make, the deeper I get into this ditch. But what if I don't want to be pulled out? Can I help it if I'm happy where I am. And in all honesty, even if I was thrown a rope, and even if I did take it, I don't think it would work. And I don't think I'd take it. I think that the longer things are apart of your life, the more natural they feel, no matter how screwed up it may be. But just because it feels right now, doesn't mean it will in the future, and it doesn't make it healthy. But is it worth potentially causing people you love pain or ruining your future? Maybe it's time for you to be selfish and stop giving a shit what people think. Or maybe you really should ask for that rope. This post probably made no sense to anyone, it's just me thinking out loud.

Until next time fellow humans....

I was at a wedding recently, and I always get really excited when I get to go to them, because in total, I've only ever been to 4 (including this recent one), and I only remember 3 of those. And of those 3, I only have solid memories of 2. And I hadn't been to a wedding since I was 11. So even though I was technically working and getting paid to be there, I was rather excited and glad to be at this wedding. As we're sitting in this beautiful garden, waiting for the bridal party to start their walk down the aisle, I'm getting more and more excited to see how amazing Amy would look. So I was surprised that when she began her descent in her gorgeous white dress, Kate tapped me and told me to look behind me, towards the front of the aisle. So I directed my focus briefly to where Paul was waiting for his bride, only to be amazed at the emotions encasing his face. It's in that moment, that I could see just how much Paul loved Amy (and keep in mind that I'd never met the couple prior to this event).
Recently, this has got me thinking about the different the events, emotions and pieces of life that we miss by only watching the main attraction. As an avid theatre goer, I've learned not to only focus on what the principles are doing, glance around at the ensemble, because a lot of the time that's where you'll find the extravagant costumes, the humour and the best choreography. In photos, I find it highly amusing to look at the people in the background, it really is fascinating to think what they were doing in that photo that is now captured forever.
In one of my lectures the other day, these two obnoxious girls were whispering loudly on the other side of the room, so much that everyone was looking around for the offenders. Now we had a guest lecturer that day, and our normal lecturer was sitting in the front row, but even she noticed the disruption. So she positioned herself to watch them instead, needless to say, they stopped talking. I enjoy watching the responses of my tutors and lecturers whilst someone is talking, because it is in that moment that you can generally tell how they really feel. Life really is an amazing thing, especially if you direct your focus away from the center.

Until next time fellow humans....

I love being a university student, it really is so much better than being a school student. When I was graduating and in the process of leaving school, I was so emotional and distraught about leaving. I felt for sure that I would be one of those people who hates uni and makes no friends and is forever left thinking about the good old days of high school. But that isn't what happened. I started uni, and I loved it. The first two days I was a bit of a loner, but then I met people, and then more and more people. I love the feeling of studying and working towards a career I actually really want. I love that everyone else around me wants to be there. I love that ALL of my lecturers and tutors are industry professionals who are currently working in their chosen industry profession. Unlike the other more "prestigious" universities where the lecturers are all academics and have limited real world experience in that profession. I love that I can wear whatever I want and I only have 3 days at uni. I love it. So I really haven't missed school that much in all honesty. I've missed some of the people for sure, but that's all.
So today when I attended the Easter service at school, I was shocked with how emotional I felt. I missed that silly place. I missed having that completely Christian and safe environment. I missed chapels. I missed having a structure to my day that was set by a bell signal. I missed not having to worry about my wardrobe. I missed those special people that I was able to form relationships with, from a variety of grades. I missed my teachers! I really really do. I loved being back, I really do miss it.
All I can say is, no matter how exciting and fun the real world is, nothing will ever be the same as high school. Nothing ever.

Until next time fellow humans....


I don't want to forget.

eleanor, a 20 year old Australian. I'm introverted, socially awkward, a bit of a wallflower and prefer the company of books. I write and live in a fantasy land. I believe in love in all its forms. Harry Potter changed my life. My patronus is a unicorn.

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November 2009, December 2009, January 2010, February 2010, March 2010, April 2010, May 2010, June 2010, July 2010, August 2010, September 2010, October 2010, November 2010, December 2010, January 2011, February 2011, March 2011,

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